When you get back into the dating game, whether it’s online, or being set up by friends, or you meet in a facebook group where you share similar interests, one of the first questions asked is, “so what are you looking for in a man?” I tend to back off this question because I know EXACTLY what I am looking for, but I know it will scare the shit out of pretty much anyone who is asking because mostly what they want to hear is, “I want to get laid and never hear from you again.”
Dating after forty sucks. Mostly, it is a never-ending series of let-downs and penis pics. It is three statements before they say something about my lips, which almost always means, “Damn, I cannot wait for you to suck my dick.” It meant the same thing in high school. It is making rules and never getting your hopes up and always, always being cynical and having a sense of humor. It is knowing that there is probably not a single person out there for you, but still enjoying the conversation up until the dick pic, the lips comment, or the completely unacceptable conversation intrudes on an otherwise lovely back-and forth.
When I was dating in my twenties, I put up with more. I was not so headstrong. I had more options. And I allowed more mistreatment, to be honest. In all honesty, things I find pretty misogynistic now, I found a little flattering then, mostly because I did not know any better. 20 years later and a lot of education and reading and understanding and I am less willing to think that a guy rubbing his boner on me is flattering. Just saying. Now, I care less that I will be alone and more about the company I am with. I would rather be alone and share my time and headspace with friends and people who fill me spiritually than settle. I settled in my first marriage. I knew it when I was walking down the aisle. I knew it all along, but was more afraid of being alone than of anything else. Now, I would rather be alone than settle. The script has been flipped, as the cool kids say.
I cannot imagine how my life would be if someone was added into it. Ben and I have a routine and we are a team. We run smoothly. It will take a lot for me to allow someone to join this team. I love being single. I love not asking anyone else about anything and just making decisions. I like choosing who I do ask for advice and not being expected to go to a certain person because, no disrespect, but dude may not be the right one to ask, you know??? And I do not want anyone all up in their feelings when I decide to talk to someone else. But there are some things I am looking for, if they can be found, I am happy to reconsider. So, here it is and when asked, this is what I say I am looking for:
I want someone who is intelligent and can hold their side of a conversation with me. I want someone who cares about the world we live in and wants to work with me change it for the better. I want someone who is honest and caring and passionate and loves that I am passionate. I want someone who will care deeply for my child, but gets that my relationship with my son is my first priority and it always will be and will not get jealous or petty about the time and energy that I put into that relationship. I want someone who loves pets because I have a lot and I love them all. I want someone who sees all my weird little idiosyncrasies and adores them all. I want someone who is impressed by my intense cussing. I want someone who is as passionate about the left lane being the passing lane as I am. I want someone who understands that Prince is a musical genius and knows to shut up and sing or at least shut up and pay homage whenever any Prince song comes on. The same with Depeche Mode and The Cure and NIN and Adele and Beasties and The Beatles and BHT and Garbage and Toad and Jason Mraz and Ed Sheeran and Evanescence and old school hip hop and Imagine Dragons and Melissa Ethridge and Janet and the Johns – Lennon, Mayer, Legend, Mellencamp, Micheal Montgomery, Marr, – and Kelly and K Flay and . . . so you get it. I like my music and I want someone who will jam out with me! I want someone with wanderlust. I love a road trip and I love an adventure. So, yeah. I’m not asking for much, right? 😉 But I am not settling for less. This is it. This is what I need and what it will take.
Anything less and I am fine with being the cat lady.