When I was younger, my little sister always said that autumn was sad because everything died. I LOVE autumn. The cooler temperatures; The amazing colors; The chance at hibernation (I do love my sleep); The pumpkins; the holidays – all of it. I love how life is cradling into a steady rhythm. Every year brings new surprises and new schedules and by the end of October, you are settling into this new schedule and life is getting a bit easier. At least it is for me. Especially this year.
This has been the most stress-free year of my life since I had Ben. I am officially working from home as a virtual schools teacher and I have to say that I love it. There are things I miss about the classroom, but there is more that I have missed about not being here for Ben and when my days are over, the one that I will regret is not being here for Ben.
Tomorrow would have been my 12th anniversary. The longer I am away from that, the more clearly I see my errors and my blindspots. I have a strong gut. I always have. And I have learned to trust it more and more. Unfortunately, I did not trust it with him in that relationship and there are a million reasons why. Tomorrow I celebrate the relationship that gave me my son. When all is said and done, I would do it all over again if the end result was Ben.
I also celebrate my being a single mom. I actually love it. There are times when it is a struggle. It is a struggle a lot, but it’s also liberating. I am empowered by my independence. Now, do not get me wrong, I do not do this alone. If it were not for my village – my friends, my family – I have no idea where I would be today, but it certainly would not be a mortgage-owner (as I do not own my home, but my mortgage 🙂 who’s able to put her child in two sports with zero assistance.
Now back to my schedule. It is not perfect. I miss my exercise routines and have to figure this out. I miss my Zumba a lot. It is addictive, but more than that, I miss the people. I simply cannot do it at night during the week with Ben’s sports. I have been trying Tuesday mornings, but have meetings two Tuesdays a month, so that sucks. I need to find an alternative and squeeze in Zumba whenever I can. This is what I have decided. Now I need the motivation. . . UGH! I like how I feel and act better when I exercise regularly and this is what I must use to motivate me. If I can get this last element into place, I will feel so accomplished. Ben and I have eaten at home more this school year than we have all last school year, I may not be exaggerating.
Fall is a time to see the beauty in loss and plan for the renewal. My loss next year will be in baggage – physical and emotional.