Fall

When I was younger, my little sister always said that autumn was sad because everything died.  I LOVE autumn.  The cooler temperatures;  The amazing colors;  The chance at hibernation (I do love my sleep); The pumpkins; the holidays – all of it. I love how life is cradling into a steady rhythm.  Every year brings new surprises and new schedules and by the end of October, you are settling into this new schedule and life is getting a bit easier.  At least it is for me. Especially this year.

This has been the most stress-free year of my life since I had Ben. I am officially working from home as a virtual schools teacher and I have to say that I love it. There are things I miss about the classroom, but there is more that I have missed about not being here for Ben and when my days are over, the one that I will regret is not being here for Ben.

Tomorrow would have been my 12th anniversary.  The longer I am away from that, the more clearly I see my errors and my blindspots.  I have a strong gut.  I always have. And I have learned to trust it more and more.  Unfortunately, I did not trust it with him in that relationship and there are a million reasons why. Tomorrow I celebrate the relationship that gave me my son.  When all is said and done, I would do it all over again if the end result was Ben.

I also celebrate my being a single mom.  I actually love it.  There are times when it is a struggle.  It is a struggle a lot, but it’s also liberating. I am empowered by my independence.  Now, do not get me wrong, I do not do this alone.  If it were not for my village – my friends, my family – I have no idea where I would be today, but it certainly would not be a mortgage-owner (as I do not own my home, but my mortgage 🙂 who’s able to put her child in two sports with zero assistance.

Now back to my schedule.  It is not perfect.  I miss my exercise routines and have to figure this out. I miss  my Zumba a lot.  It is addictive, but more than that, I miss the people.  I simply cannot do it at night during the week with Ben’s sports. I have been trying Tuesday mornings, but have meetings two Tuesdays a month, so that sucks.  I need to find an alternative and squeeze in Zumba whenever I can.  This is what I have decided.  Now I need the motivation. . . UGH! I like how I feel and act better when I exercise regularly and this is what I must use to motivate me.  If I can get this last element into place, I will feel so accomplished.  Ben and I have eaten at home more this school year than we have all last school year, I may not be exaggerating.

Fall is a time to see the beauty in loss and plan for the renewal.  My loss next year will be in baggage – physical and emotional.

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