“She called herself an angel, and wandered the world from girlhood till death. She lived every kind of life and dreamt every kind of dream. She was wild in her wandering, a drop of free water. She believed only in her life and in her dreams. She called herself an angel, and her god was Beauty.”
― Roman Payne
I just saw the Facebook post. I am walking in out of rooms with no idea or understanding why. This strikes me as poetically ironic as this is how i was when I found you last. I have no idea how we ran into each other or how we began talking. None. I was in a transitional phase in my life. My memories of school and the people there have always been filled with animosity and disdain. They were not good years for me, at least not with the people FROM my school, so I have no idea how or why we began hanging out. All I know is, those were some of the best years of my life.
You were so full of life and spirit. You had no expectations of me or our friendship. You took me as I was and helped me to become who I always wanted to be. You breathed life into me and now I feel that surge oozing out of every pore that I own.
My God, the times we had! We were insane! We had so much fun! We walked right up to death’s door and knocked and put a bag of shit on his doorstep, lit it on fire, and laughed at him as he came out and stomped around in it. We had NO fear. Not of ourselves, not of each other, not of anything. We were smart enough not to document most of our forays on camera and thank all the stars and gods that there was no Facebook or Instagram at this time.
I have never had a friend like you. Not before and not since. You just loved me as I was and as I wasn’t. We never reminisced about high school, why would we? We did not have the same experiences. We just took life as it was and went with it. You never asked me about my family. You never wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. You never expected anything from me. You were everything I needed. You walked into my life and you filled it up. For two years we were inseparable. For two years, we sucked the marrow out of life and never looked back.
You have always been just so alive that I cannot imagine that you have gone. How can this world conceive of moving forward without your energy? How dare it try?
I sat on the computer this morning (while I was “working”) and contemplated buying something trivial from Groupon while your family had to consider this. I think of when you found out that you were pregnant with Devon. This did not stop us or slow us down, but you were always conscious of his life in you. You were always thinking about him. It never crossed your mind to drink or smoke after you found out that this little nugget was entering your life. I remember when you came home from the doctor and told me about how he already had fingers and toes and how your eyes lit up. I knew then that our lives were moving in different directions and it broke my heart, but I was so happy for you. I went on to college and you went on to mommy-hood.
We spoke a few times on the phone, but I am not well-versed in the language of friendship, so had no idea how to maintain this relationship. Thankfully, though the power of FB, we found each other again.
You had it all! An amazing husband, whom you were very obviously head-over-heels in love with; 4 gorgeous children who are involved and smart and have so much of you. Your sister and mom, whom you were always close to, in a way that made me intensely jealous.
You are one of my regrets. I walked away from an amazing friendship. I walked away when you probably needed me the most, yet you held no animosity. That is not in you. You have always mesmerized me and you always will.
I weep for your kids. I weep for you husband. I weep for your mom and sister and family. I weep for the friends who were smarter than I am who kept you near and dear to their hearts. I weep for me. I do not weep for you. You lived this life. You are a badass.