There are no words for me to describe how grateful I am for where I am right now in my life. Do I struggles? Absolutely. Do i worry? Almost incessantly. But in the end, I am so amazingly blessed.
This past week, I went to the ER in incredible pain and very scared. I was having chest pain and was dizzy. I was so scared. Both my parents had issues with heart disease and both lost their fight to it. I, in no way, follow a diet or exercise plan that is sending me on a different path, so I was so scared. Scared about what would happen to Ben. In the end, it was gall stones and I needed to have emergency surgery. It was not my heart. . . this time. it will be if I do not alter my mindset and behavior and I will be right back to where I was in my head this past week. This was my wake up call. It does not mean that I am cutting out everything that has any amount of flavor, but I am going to be more aware and since I have the time and ability now, why wouldn’t I be?
This mini crisis made me come to terms with what an amazing life I lead. When I was scared, I hit my friend list and my nurse friends gave me more advice and information than I ever got from any doctor. When I asked for help with getting me to and from surgery – BOOM! I had multiple volunteers. Another friend set up a meal train to be sure that Ben was fed while I was out of commission. This was amazing. Ben even told me that having my gall bladder out was a good thing because he got so much great food! LOL!
I have the fantastic career that I am in love with. I identify with being a teacher. It is a part of my core being. In the past few years, especially since the divorce, I have had to really come to terms with who I wanted to be – a mom or a teacher. It is nearly impossible to be both at the same time with no help. Then, magically, this opportunity falls into my lap. An old co-worker and friend tells me that there is an opening in the Virtual Schools for a summer adjunct position, which then fell into an opening in the social studies department. Somehow, after many crazy happenings, I was offered this position to work from home in the career that I absolutely am in love with. For the first time, I get to be the mom I always wanted to be and the teacher that I wanted to be. There is nothing I do not love about this. I have to learn to tweak a few things in my schedule and such, but OMG, I get to take Ben to school and pick him up. I get to volunteer in his class. I choose my hours. I am so much more productive. I do not have to fight traffic. I do not have to spend excessive amounts on gas, clothes, lunch, day care. This is my dream world.
My friends are the best ever. I have no family in the area. None. Not even close. If there was an emergency, it would be one of my friends who steps in to help. I do not doubt that I will be fine. They have never failed me. They have never let me down. I am so incredibly lucky to have them in my life and I am not sure what I have done to deserve them, but I will extend everything I can to be there for them. When one does not have family nearby, friends become all the more important.
I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with my older sister. Our lives have taken many different turns and on paper, she and i are about as polar opposite as any two people can be, but that does not matter. There was never a guarantee that we would be close or have any kind of a relationship whatsoever. We have one because we have fought for one. Because being sisters matters more to us than any other thing that could get in our way – history, blood, politics, religion – none of it will change the fact that I will always be here for her and she for me. I know this more today than I have EVER known anything.
I have a home. I still cannot believe that I can call myself a homeowner after everything that I have been put through financially by my family and my ex-husband. It’s not always easy, but I love that I can provide this stability for Ben. While he is in Michigan and I am wallowing and trying not to fall into depression, i will start some aesthetic remodeling. I am pretty excited, actually. I cannot do anything major, but that’s fine. I will someday. Right now, everything works, so I am not messing with it 🙂
Of course, there is Ben. I had to have done something right in one of my past lives to have been chosen to be his mom. He is amazing. In the ER, he held my hand and cuddled up with me. He has taken care of me and stepped up around the house to help in ways that grown adults will not help. He is healthy. He is kind. He has such a giving heart. There is nothing more that I can ask for him. He is surrounded by amazing role models, from his coaches, to his nanny, to his baby-sitters, to his teachers. I am in love with being his mom and just hope that this does not end!
I always hold all this stuff up and then these are super long. I am going to try to write less more often. I will try.