Today I reconnected with an old high school friend. I found out her little boy was sick and she shared with me her blogs and her poetry, which is amazing. It reminded me that I made a promise to myself to write more. I also have been wanting to write about how things are falling into place.
Those few who are reading this know how chaotic my life has been for the past decade. In four years I lost my mother, my father, both my grandmothers, and a dear uncle. I moved on from a school that I dearly loved and invested in for a decade because of an administrator who had it out for me. I also lost my marriage and the life that I had envisioned for myself, even though that was my choice, it was no less painful.
Through that all, I knew that if I kept working and doing the best I could, everything would work out. In my head, it had to because that’s only fair. I am not religious. I could say that I am spiritual and I guess that I am, but really, it is not something that I have the luxury of falling back on and am sometimes jealous of those who can believe in something larger. I cannot. It doesn’t ring true for me. But what does is that good things happen to good people. Even people who are abhorred by the fact that I am not religious would find a hard time thinking that I am a terrible, awful person, well, I think :s. LOL!
At any rate, things are falling in place. I was able to purchase my first home. My parents lost their home and it was one that brought very mixed emotions, but it was someplace that I could point to as a starting point. Looking back, all the evidence was there that this would happen, but having never been spoken to about finances of any kind – ever – it was all hindsight. It has been important for me to supply some foundation for my son especially given my background with my parents and then my ex-husband doing almost the same exact thing to me. I chose ignorance in finances as an adult because it all scared me after what my parents went through. When I found out piecemeal what my then-husband had been doing, I was pissed and scared and lost. With the help of some family, I made a plan – an exit strategy, really – and got out and have spent every day since then building myself back up, financially and emotionally. Because I tie a lot of trust and emotion in with money after everything that has happened. So Ben has a home. It is small. It is imperfect. It needs some work. It is just right for us. I love it. I love paying my mortgage. I will love it even more when I can refinance and pay less in three years :). I love that Ben is in the neighborhood that I wanted that has really good schools. I love that he has a lot of kids to run around with. I love that it is safe and everyone I met has had a similar outlook on raising kids.
As I said earlier, 2 and half years ago I left a school that I poured everything into. I loved going to work every single day. I loved and love my kids that I had the honor of teaching there. I still keep up with hundreds of them. I loved and love many of the people that I worked with there. I had the respect of the kids and the community, until. . . in comes new admin who are new and insecure and want to wipe out anyone that they fear is a threat, so I along with a number of really amazing educators are targeted and pushed out. That was horrible. I went on to a new school in a new position and it never quite felt right. It is hard being a single mom with the expectation of time that comes with education. It is hard being a parent with a spouse, but harder, I believe when you have to call in every favor in the book nearly every week from people who are not your family! This past summer, I contacted one of my co-workers from the aforementioned school and asked about a summer gig teaching virtual schools. There was an opening for an adjunct and I took it because if paid great and I was able to stay home and spend time with Ben. I had intended to go back to the classroom, it is my passion and I miss it when a full-time position opened up. I jumped all over that! I ran into a snag and, for once, did not chalk it up to, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be!” I fought for it and I fought hard. It took time, but I was asked to interview and was offered and accepted the position. So now, I get to work from home. I get to spend time with B. He is still greedy for more, but he gets more now than he ever has in his entire life and I love every second of it.
This is that magic time with B. He has some independence and I do not have to map out every second of his day as he has his own idea about how he wants to spend his down time (mostly exploring ditches and finding wildlife that he “saved”), but he still loves to cuddle and desperately wants my love and attention. This is that golden time. He wakes up every day with, “I love you, mama” and goes to sleep every night telling me how lucky he is to have me. Now, do not get me wrong, we have our fights. We had a big one last night, but those are rare and always end in love and snuggles. I cherish those. I know that they will not last forever. I know that before long, his hidden tantrums will become all too loud and in my face. I know the doors will slam and my heart will break. But now, right now, he is so sweet and so kind and I am so proud of him. He is the reason I get up every, single day. He is the reason that I am working to be better.
Thank you, old (new) friend for reminding me of this. I will carry you and your precious son in my thoughts and heart while he is fighting this and you are, too. Thank you for helping me re-connect to this cathartic process that I need so much as my insurance sucks and I cannot afford therapy :). There is my catch up and I pledge to make this happen more regularly.