I have needed to write for a while now, but too much has been happening. Even now, i find myself exchanging sleep and work for my class to do this.
Three weeks after moving out of my home and me moving into my first home, my older sister called me at nearly the same time she called me four years ago to tell me the same line that she told me four years ago, “Melissa. It’s not good.” This time followed by, “Dad’s dead.” How could that be? It is still surreal. Even through the funeral and the finalizing of things like turning off his cell phone and closing accounts; it does not seem to actually be happening.
As Father’s Day approaches , it becomes more and more real though. It is weighing on me more and more.
Add to this the fact that instead of seeing Ben for the month allotted to him, B’s dad is only seeing him for a week – not including Father’s Day.
Now, back story. B had been refusing to go to see his dad. He finally told me why. He had caught his dad and his dad’s girlfriend having sex. B’s dad told him to keep it a secret. B broke down and told me. He then confronted his dad and his dad told him that he was lying. He told him, “I don’t know what you think you saw, but you need to stop this!” I was so angry. It takes so much courage for B to stand up and say something to his dad when he is hurting and his dad constantly shoots him down or tells him that he is being disrespectful. So, B kept telling me that he would NOT be going to M for a month. Everyone was working with him to come to terms with this – me, his baby-sitter, his friends’ parents, my friends – everyone. He was not budging.
Three days before his dad was supposed to come and get him, his dad emailed me to tell me that he got a new job and that he would not be able to get B until the last week of the month and that was all the time that he was going to spend with B. I told B, thinking he would be pleased. He was not. I overheard him tell his neighbor, “I think I am looking for a new dad because mine doesn’t want me any more.” My heart broke in pieces.
My heart broke again tonight. I took B to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 in 3D. During the previews, there was a commercial about Father’s Day. It had a montage of all the things dads do with their kids. When it was over, B looked at me and said, “That’s what I want.” All I could do was hug him. I know that is all he wants. I wish I could give it to him. I can’t. I can put a million men in his life to try to fulfill that role, but the fact is, they are not the one person he wants that with. That person is not putting forth the effort. He can’t put forth the effort to get a card here on time, to pay child support, to pay for his child to participate in activities, to see his son on the few days of the year that he is given time.
B is an amazing kid. He is smart and kind and lovable and silly and well-mannered and precocious. He is everything anyone could want in a child, but he is not getting what he needs from the one person he needs it from.
I have never been so happy that we do not watch TV and so have not seen all these commercials for the past couple weeks.